Monday, January 23, 2012

Approaching "4" day two

I have been reminiscing today...looking at pictures...thinking...feeling... remembering the good, bad, and ugly...When I think back to everything...I really don't know how we made it through...it is nothing short of a miracle...I believe in miracles...always have...sometimes the unexpected happens for no reason at all...and life is never the same, again. When I think back to all the impossible situations, we have found ourselves in...it is surreal. So much has been lost over the last years... So where do we go from here...right now...I can't tell you...I don't know.

I can tell you this...

I had an epiphany, today...I was talking with "M" and watching "J" try to climb onto the table for the 100th time...and it dawned on me ...that when I'm in the moment...really in the moment...or present...I'm happy...really happy...it is when I venture out and try to put the puzzle of our future together...that I'm sad...because we don't have all the pieces...no fault, no blame, no pity...just all the pieces aren't available, right now.

So here is to living in the moment, placing no blame, and feeling no pity...accepting this is where we are right now...and I choose to be happy ...right now...

Happy "early" Birthday "J"






"J" had severe Pulmonary Hypertension in these pics...we had no idea, if she would live.


"J" now approaching "4"

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Approaching "4"

This next week is dedicated to "Js" big day!!! She will soon be four years old. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times like a century ago...as I have said before..."J" was born at 23 to 25 weeks weighing 420grams...she was a biggin:) My baby and I spent a year and a half in various NICUs...she wanted to try out as many as she could...she was trying to find the most comfortable beds...all joking aside though...we were fighting for her life. The trach was the turning point for "J"...my baby hated the ventilator...after she got her trach, "J" really started to improve...much to the doctors dismay...the trach was only for palliative care...meaning she would die...but I had told them at the beginning "I"M NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT MY BABY"...I know they were thinking..."Oh God...we have a live wire...call the patty wagon"...

I could pretend and say everything turned out GREAT...well I don't know about great...but life is good and sometimes painful. This is an honest blog...okay...I'm grateful for my "J"...I wished though life wasn't so hard for her....I wish she could talk...I wish she could eat like everyone else...I wish... I understood... what she sees and hears...(hearing has been an ongoing debate) I wish... I knew what she understood....I wish... I was always patient...I wish... are your ready....I wish, want, and need to make everything okay...I want to fix everything...I want to make her all better and I don't know how to accept that there is a limit to all better...how am I going to keep her safe?...how is she going to learn?...who is going to take care of her when, my husband and I are gone?...who is going to love her, like we do? I pray so hard for a long...long...long life...so I can take care of my "J"...she's my perfect baby...

I don't have the answers to these questions...and I pray that guidance comes each and every day...you know in the hospital ....I saw such wonderful parents ...praying so hard for their little ones to survive...many didn't...many...actually alot...do I believe GOD hears prayers...If I say yes...then was GOD not listening to these wonderful people?...If I say no...why is my "J" here?...so I think maybe there might be something to destiny...we are heard, but everyone has a road map already...or at least a guide...that doesn't mean we become lazy and not participate...it just means ....there is something to this destiny thing...because I will tell you this...I'm not anymore deserving of having my "J" than those wonderful people were...and "J" is precious, but so was everyone of those little ones...I'm grateful "Js" road map included us being here ....and when I get down...I do remember that her road map could have read something totally different...or it could have read nothing at all...

Namaste

Happy Birthday (one week ahead of time) "J"...you are loved, adored, and cherished!!!!!








Please excuse any grammar mistakes...this is so hard for me to write,...but necessary, healing, and "J" deserves this!!!! I love you my baby!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Summary of time spent...

Sunday was lovely with all of us together...eating, playing, and relaxing. The weather has been so nice...with sunshine and comfortable temperatures.

We took advantage of this "heat wave"...





Monday was a holiday for "J", so we spent time playing at home...inside this time:)



On the menu...Indian and Blueberry Desert...




Mommy time...


I'm really enjoying and feeling better from my new favorite exercise...I'm now up to 24 minutes...anyone new to meditation knows, learning to control ones thoughts, is very challenging at first....

I'm continuing to craft, when my little darlings allow:) I hope all is good, in your area of the world...

Namaste

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sunday...Quiet...Family...



Have a wonderful day filled with family, peace, and quiet....

See you tomorrow....

Friday, January 13, 2012

Once upon a Frigid night...

There were goodies of many delights...

There were crafty ones...


There were savory ones...


There were sweet ones...


and there were cottony ones...


whatever your delight ....may this night find you "snug as a bug in a rug"


I will  leave you with two quotes...ta ta for now...

When an ordinary man gains knowledge, he is a sage; when a sage gains understanding, he is an ordinary man.

Where there is great doubt, there will be great awakening; small doubt, small awakening, no doubt, no awakening.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Howling Winds

I started meditation tonight...and managed 10 minutes...I'm pleased and feeling this is the right path for me to follow. I love stillness...quiet...these bring me peace...spiritualilty...

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
Carl Jung




Namaste.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Strolling Mates

So what have we been up too? Strolling...the weather here has been fantastic. We have really been soaking up some Vitamin D:) Yesterday "M" and I strolled to the park for some sun...("J" was at school) she loves playing about on the slides...when it was time to leave...OMG she proceeded to lay down on the ground and cry/ scream...let me say, horrified I was...but I sat down and waited for her to finish "expressing"herself....in the hopes she would be able to collect herself, in time for us to pick up "J"...have I mentioned she is "almost" two...

Today is drizzly here, so we are going to relax. I love rainy days, I feel justifiable in laying about...truly I have been feeling quite poorly today...sniff, cough, blow...tis the order of my day:)

Ta Ta for Now!












"J"s purred Spaghetti

Dinner

Dessert

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Dawdlings

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dawdling

How are you doing? I hope all is well, in your corner of the world. Life is good here in the lowcountry...an abundance of sunshine and nice temperatures~(maybe next week, we will have a Arctic blast...the weather is unpredictable of late...)


"M" and I spent Friday mucking about at the "NEW" park...this is one of my favorite areas...dolphins swim right up to the boats, undeterred by people...We ate lunch enjoying the beautiful weather, watching the shrimpers...and inhaling the lovely sea air...The more time outside I spend, the less stressed and frustrated I feel.

Saturday was my first Crocheting class...we met at a lovely - quaint cafe...enjoying tea and partaking of all crocheting knowledge...I definitely was all thumbs at first...assured by "this is normal for first timers"...I pressed on...I'm starting to feel at ease, now...and I love it...there is so much I want to learn...knitting, embroidery, needlepoint...time...I need lots of time...


Today (Sunday) is our lazy day...brunch was served...potatoes and onions with eggs, Lebna with EVOO ( extra virgin Olive oil), Chicken sausage with apples and maple,  Bread with cream cheese and honey, and as always OLIVES!!!! You can never have to many olives. Our plans for the remainder of today...enjoy the weather, smell fresh flowers, and coupon...save save save... and of course Crocheting, if my little ones allow:)







Namaste...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Fab Thursday

Good Evening my Lo vies...

I hope your day has been good...filled with warmth and laughter. We have had a terrific day...filled with Pulmonary Doctors, lunch with dad, and the park....it is a beautiful day here in the lowcountry...sunny and cool...mild blistery...The low country isn't my home by birth...more by marriage...but I have really grown to love my hometown!!! Lots of parks, sunshine, beach, and history...my goodness where else would one want to be? For all of you who know me...finding home has been a little bit of a challenge...my parents swore that I had gypsy blood...well I do so love to travel...I love me some Europe...but here is my home...


Okay first Pulmonary...a little history..."J" was born between 23 to 25 weeks...she weighted less than a pound...like 420 grams...lost down to 360grams...we spent a year and half in the NICU...this was primarily because of lung development...let me specify lack of lung development... and the Vent is life saving, however it remodels the lungs...so almost 4 years later...minus trachs, oxygen, lung meds, and vents...we are doing alright kid. "J" is no longer on any meds!!!! Yea...let me tell you when we first brought her home...I swear the house look like a ICU dept...my husband looked at me and said, "we can't do this..." we did though...thanks to many people and the good Lord! Todays follow up excellent...we will see them again in 6 months!!! Yippee!

After the success of the doctor...we went and had lunch with daddy...aka BABA...the girls love spending time with there father...which is a rarety from working all the time...but you do what you have to, right?

After lunch we decided with such a beautiful day...the park was in order...so playtime on!!!!










I hope you enjoy the pics...

I just love trees....especially when they have the moss all hanging down...beautiful day...well gotta go...cooking beef ribs tonight...house is smelling so good!!!


Ta Ta for now:)